Don't Take It For Granted: How would we code if programming was worse in various ways?

In order to better understand the choices and tradeoffs we make, it can be interesting to look at how various constraints might cause us program in other ways. We'll walk through how a small program would have to be implemented differently in a bunch of darker, angrier worlds - for example, what if we had no variables? If there was no stack? If there were no pointers? What can we learn by exploring a set of dangerous and tricksy alternate realities?